In the Mind Of An Abuser

  • Emotional Dependency

    Abusers are emotionally dependent on their victim. Because she/he is so dependent, they take control of their victim’s life. This is the way they deny their weaknesses and make themselves feel powerful.

  • Power Plays

    The abuser uses various tactics to power trip others. For instance, he walks out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouts the victim, or organizes other family members or associates to “gang up” on the victim in shunning or criticizing her.

  • Unpredictable Reactions

    The abuser likes something today, but dislikes it tomorrow. Living with a person who has unpredictable reactions is difficult, stressful and nerve wracking. The victim is constantly on edge

  • Ownership

    Abusers are extremely possessive and believe that they should get everything they want. They also feel they can do whatever they wish with their possession and abusers see their partner or spouse as something they own.

  • Unreasonable Expectations

    No matter how hard the victim tries to please, they will always demand more. Abusers insist on trivial demands in order to create a habit of obedience in his victim

  • Redefining Situations

    The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem is not with him, but with others, or with the outside world in general. It is always someone else’s fault when they act inappropriately

  • Drama and Excitement

    Abusive people find it exciting to watch others get angry, get into fights, or be in a state of general uproar

  • Vagueness

    Abusers think and speak vaguely, which lets the abuser avoid responsibility. The victim is not allowed to be vague, and is often asked for details ad nauseum

  • Above the Rules

    An abuser generally believes he/she is better than other people and so does not have to follow the rules of society that ordinary people do.

  • Minimizing

    Abusers refuse to accept their mistakes and avoid responsibility for their actions by trying to minimize their importance

  • Closed Channel

    An abuser is secretive, close-minded, and self-righteous. The abusive person does not tell much about himself and his real feelings.

  • Playing Victim

    Abusers will often claim to be the victim in order to avoid being held accountable. Abusers are able to cry easier than most other people.

  • Lying

    Abusers also may use lies to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically.

  • Compartmentalizing

    The abuser usually keeps his abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life

  • Making Excuses

    Abusers try to justify their behavior with excuses.

  • Self-glorification

    The abuser also belittles, berates and puts other people down verbally, as a way of making himself look superior and to make himself feel more powerful. When anyone says or does anything that doesn’t fit his/her glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult. Female abusers have a feminine macho attitude and look down at feminine qualities as vulnerabilities